Posted by Jeremiah Tweed on Aug. 7th, 2011 at 6:55 pm in Who is She?
Girls night out is a social phenomenon that no amount of advice could prepare you for. There are so many forms of GNO that the best thing to do is to give you the most common configurations and then let you decide what you want to do when you run into variants of the estrogen wolf pack.
“Fuck Dudes!” GNO – Have you ever seen a rotary saw come up against a piece of balsa wood? If you run into a group of girls who are out guy hating, then you best take your wooden frame of poise to another section of the bar. FD!GNO are where one of the girls might have just gotten cheated on or dumped by her boyfriend and her girlfriends all get together and decide to take their devastated friend out for a good time. Their goal for the entire night is to stand in a big circle and not let anyone near them. They will not accept any drinks bought for them and they will usually laugh off any advances made by the male population. They will be most happy dancing with each other. If a guy comes up and tries to dance with one of them, the rest will come over to defend her like those buffalo did in the Battle of Kruger. You might get a few words in, but she’ll continue swaying to the beat right in front of your face and respond with something like, “What?” By that time, her other friends will grab her, spin her around and then all lean into a tighter circle singing in unison, the words of whatever 80s song is on.
If you are one of the lucky few to get one away from the pack, don’t kid yourself. It will be 3:13AM, you should have been home 2 hours ago and yet there you are being led astray by your lone dick striker, fighting an uphill battle of cock blocking friends who will eventually steal your target, because earlier tonight they made a pact of, “No dudes tonight! No one goes home with a guy. It’s girls night out!” If you see this group, just act like they are not there. Let them have their fun and let them enjoy each others’ company. Your night and their night will be much more enjoyable.
“Let’s Fuck Dudes!” GNO – While this might seem like your utopia, think again. It’s never that easy. When an LFD!GNO shows up at a bar, guys line it up like cocaine. Dealing with an LFD!GNO is a lot of work. It’s essentially an all-night audition. You are going to have to be buying drinks for them, giving them more attention than a bomb diffuser gives IED’s. It changes your night from rafting down The River of Possibility to barreling over The Waterfall of Unsurity. I’m not telling you to not do it, but odds are, you have to be in the right place at the right time. You have to be that group of guys who meet them in the Goldilocks zone. You don’t want to meet the girls first thing (the girls aren’t going to want to give up on their other options too early), but also didn’t meet them too late (they have already made their decisions by then). You need to run into them somewhere in the middle when it’s just right.
If you can’t seem to find these ladies, they’re the ones practically having a lesbian orgy on the dance floor when Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” comes on. I think by rule, while they are dancing, one of them has to be on all-fours with her ass gyrating in the air at any given time. Without fail, a group of guys will be surrounding them looking on intently. So sharp is their gaze, you will wonder if a gang rape is going to break out. Invariably, a guy will swoop in behind one and embark on the task of grinding his erect penis into her backside. Like the Bower Bird, if she finds him attractive she will stay in that position and they will continue this sweaty soiree until the wee hours. If this is the kind of night you are looking for, get in, make an impression and then hang on for dear life.
“Last Chance To Fuck Dudes!” GNO – aka, the Bachelorette Party; the Wild Card of the bunch. I’ve seen Bachelorette Parties as FD!GNO and others as LFD!GNO. Circle the group like a condor, gather information and make your decision. As tempting as it is, go after a girl other than the Bachelorette. Think of her as a baby cub and her friends as mama bears. There are plenty of mama bears to take care of the cub, so if one of the mothers goes missing, it won’t be detrimental to the safety of the protected one. However, if the cub goes missing, I hope you have some tranquilizer darts to defend yourself.
Regardless, stated LCTFD!GNO’s add layers of complexity to your chase. These girls are generally as coordinated as a colony of bees. They know exactly where every member of the group is at all times and if they don’t, your conversation with one of them will get interrupted by, “Have you seen Anne?” “Oh my gosh, no!” Those two will then run off and search for Anne as if Anne might be bound in a wooden crate halfway to Uruguay or something. Of course Anne was in the bathroom or simply out of direct eyesight but regardless, your positioning gets thrown off course leaving you off the lead lap or worse, assuring you a DNF that night.
As much fun as it is running into GNO’s, don’t put too much effort into chasing a girl who is part of one because there are too many variables out of your control. Your best bet is to see a girl you like, be direct and judge her reaction. Whatever the GNO type, her attention is going to be either pulled by all her girlfriends or a bunch of other guys doing the same thing as you so you’ll have to stick out, make an impression and be different. But if it’s not in the cards that night, it’s ok! Move on.
Posted by Jeremiah Tweed on Jul. 31st, 2011 at 6:56 pm in Sealing the Deal
On a typical evening a woman wants you to think that she didn’t decide until 2AM if you two were going home with each other or not. She wants you to be under the impression that you’re getting lucky because you’re charming, it is the end of the night, she has to go lay down anyway, so why the hell not. That might well be true and that might well be bullshit, but that is not the point. She might have wanted to fuck you the second she laid eyes on you but she can’t let you be informed of that. She’s conscious of your one track mind. She knows what you want.
The only trump card she has is not letting you in on the fact that she wants you too early. Girls might enjoy looking like hookers and sluts, but they don’t enjoy feeling like them. The longer she thinks that you know you’re getting some from her, the more annoyed she gets and the less of a chance you will actually get some.
That is why you never find out if you’re getting lucky that night until right before you leave the bar, sometimes you don’t know for sure until you’re at her place. Shit, sometimes you don’t know for sure until your penis is actually touching a part of her body, on her accord. She needs to see if you can be a gentleman and not an animal right up to the point that she lets you know that you are having sex.
A girl decides to have sex with you at the end of the night:
a) Because she has decided that you are worthy of her body;
b) Because you don’t make her feel trashy;
c) Because she wants to have sex with you;
d) Because she wants you to cuddle with her and make her feel like she is not a cheap skank for having sex with you.
It’s not that she’s not cool with a one-night stand, but she wants some sort of emotional connection before you two part ways in the morning. Laughing, talking and snuggling in bed after sex or in the morning lets her feel that way. She’d like to think that you didn’t only want to have sex with her. It’s part of the one-night-stand sex contract that she offers by deciding to spend the night with you. Yeah, you can have sex with me, but we’re going to be next to each other for the next 7-10 hours or so.
Even if you know without a doubt that you are in, play dumb. Go with it. Treat her like a lady. Let her have that peace of mind. Even if you have zero emotional interest in the girl you go home with, show her some affection and don’t make her feel cheap. If you heed that advice, your odds of having a play friend that enjoys casual sex as much as you, increase dramatically.
Note: This post is written as a general rule for the generic situation. This does not always hold true with cougars, for instance. They will have sex with you whenever they are ready to. Time of day and regular protocol doesn’t hold true (See later post on Cougars). There are of course women who will have sex with you in a stairwell of a hotel, ones that don’t want you to spend the night, and ones that just want a midday romp, but I’m trying to cover the meat of the bell curve here, guys.
Posted by Jeremiah Tweed on Jul. 17th, 2011 at 9:41 pm in Conducting Yourself
It’s quite possibly the easiest thing to do but so many guys don’t do it. Smiling is contagious. If you’re smiling, she’ll be more apt to smile. Smiling lets her know that you’re friendly and kind (or that you’re a pedophile that owns an ice cream truck and you just parked your rig outside of an elementary school). Being broke does not stop you from smiling. A smile is a peace offering. Yes, it is the Trojan horse concealing your penis, but a peace offering nonetheless. She can’t accuse you of being nice to her just to get into her pants unless you told her that that is precisely why you are being nice to her. Smiling at her while jerking off at the bar is not the move I’m asking you to employ.
But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t talk about the creepy smile. In the world of flirting, everything is a flutter. Glances, smiles, movements. It’s all social posturing, like a game of musical chairs. There’s an art to it. Everything should feel fluid. If you find yourself really drunk and smiling at a girl for way too long, chances are you’ve struck out long before and you just can’t figure out how to leave the batter’s box. Things need to be in constant motion during “the chase”. Any advance that lasts too long immediately says, weirdo or drunk. So smile away, but there is a fine line between having your smile go from, “Oh he’s friendly,” to “Oh he’s gross.”
Posted by Jeremiah Tweed on Jul. 3rd, 2011 at 8:26 pm in The One-Night Stand
Too many times I see guys struggling while trying to impress a girl at a bar. As I have pointed out a few times, you are going after a stranger who doesn’t know you from Adam, and who already thinks you’re a dirt bag. Not the best starting position. She knows that any single guy at a bar is looking for a girl to take home. What she might not know is that a single guy is looking to take a girl home from when he gets up in the morning to when he goes to bed at night, but let’s not get into that. Bars are an uphill battle even if girls are out drinking and losing a bit of their inhibitions. See if you can get yourself to more house parties. There are enough out there but I always see guys turning them down. I presume some are afraid that they have to behave themselves and otherwise be in control, but this is a good thing! Furthermore, what house parties have that bars don’t have is “an in.”
An in: A direct or indirect connection to a girl you want to have sex with.
At house parties the girl you are eying is somehow connected to you. If you are connected to someone that means that someone else out there can vouch for you. Yeah, he’s a really great guy! Having someone (other than your dirtbag friend at a bar) tell a girl that you’re a great guy goes a long way. It’s indirect marketing at it’s best. It’s a virtual clean STD test. In addition, house parties typically migrate themselves into bars after the party has died down and the good news is that you have already made some headway (if you were being industrious) with the girl of your choice.
House parties are also a life saver on the wallet. Bring a six pack. Bring a bottle of wine. Drink the whiskey that someone else brought. It’s easy as pie. Also, assuming that you are making strides in Operation: Get Girl To Bang You, you will have the opportunity to pour her a drink. Pour it and make it stiff. Make it stiff like the flesh strut in your pan- ok, ok, I got carried away. Just make her a stiff drink and hatch your plot from there.
House parties are gold mines, don’t you ever forget it.
Posted by Jeremiah Tweed on Jun. 26th, 2011 at 8:05 pm in The One-Night Stand
If alcohol wasn’t involved, only the best looking guys would ever get laid. Alcohol is our key to her mental lock where the combination to the vagina lock resides. You know those groups of dudes at a bar that seem like they’re having a case race? Unless they are 6’4″ jacked, handsome and raising money to rebuild orphanages in Haiti with every pint drank, chances are, they’re not really impressing any girls. They are old friends catching up (nothing wrong with that at all) or they’re a group of guys that get black out drunk and hit on girls in the most unpleasing manner. When these men get shot down, they turn to their friends and say, “Fucking sluts.” These guys suck and I hate seeing them in bars. I wish I could hire the Hammerhead Brothers to attack these guys.
Your goal is to drink and have a good time. Don’t be the guy with a broken volume control, a lack of social awareness, a misunderstanding of physical boundaries, and the front runner to win the visual creep award. You want to save her from guys like that. Some guys only build up the courage to talk to a girl when they are not physically able to speak. Accompanied by the look of a serial rapist, they lean in way too far and yell something in the girl’s ear. That is when you swoop in. Tell her that her friend was looking for her (yes you made it up). She will no doubt thank you endlessly for being her momentary knight in shining armor. Now get in there and ask her what her name is.
Posted by Jeremiah Tweed on Jun. 19th, 2011 at 7:28 pm in Sealing the Deal
When you travel abroad to third world/developing countries you undoubtedly run into other people traveling and if you read the previous chapter, you know that people traveling tend to party more in every definition of the word. This is a good thing, even if you’re a dolt who can’t form complete sentences. You could be at a bar on the streets of New York City, the city you live in, and run into a beautiful set of American girls but the predicament is, you don’t stick out. However, if you were to run into these same girls at a bar in say, Cambodia, your chances of scoring are much higher.
You see, as much as people sometimes travel to get away from things they know (Americans), when you travel to a Third World country, you will undoubtedly be faced with a WTF moment that makes you want nothing more than to find someone who speaks your language. Anyone who sees someone of similar geographic descent traveling in a developing country is automatically more attracted to them because you have a common bond, and let’s face it, everything starts with a common bond in any conversation on earth. You both are from the same area, you went to the same school, your sister is friends with my brother, we both like to get drunk, etc. You catch my drift. It’s not always as simple as running into girls from your home country and throwing them over your shoulder, but it’s pretty damn close.
Usually, they are being harassed by the local men who deem womanizing a national pastime and kidnapping as a local sport. The sight of you will be welcomed because you represent safety. If you make a girl feel safe, she will bear your children.
Posted by Jeremiah Tweed on Jun. 12th, 2011 at 8:10 pm in Be Better at You
I can’t stress this enough. I have too many single friends who struggle with the ladies but all they bring to a conversation is, “I hate my job. Let’s blackout.” I don’t think anyone knows the exact combination to a girl’s vagina but through simple deduction, that line is definitely not it. So sail, cook, write, make films, join a sports league, learn a language, go somewhere, get a certification of some sort. Be better. Don’t be part of the sweat of mediocrity. 85% of the single guys you see out at night are the same recycled guys who call all girls sluts, have no idea how to control their liquor and only talk about work for the entire arc of a conversation. Girls don’t want that.
When she asks you, “So what do you do?”, you can playfully set up your more than 2-dimensional persona as, “What do I do for work, or what do I do for fun?” Tell her your favorite movies and ask hers. It will spark a conversation that you couldn’t envision coming. If the arc of your week goes like this:
I fucking hate Mondays…Tuesdays blow…Hump Day…Thursday night Happy Hour…Happy Friday!…Hangover Satur(day)…Blackout Satur(night)…Sunday evening depression…I fucking hate Mondays…and repeat, then you need to do something else with your life. You’re going to be going through that cycle until your 25, 30, 35 and at some point you are going to look back and say to yourself, what in God’s name did I do with my life? Be intrinsically motivated to do something for something’s sake. There are a lot of chapters in this book that talk about certain things you can do and what has worked in my life but the important thing is to find something that you enjoy doing. It will broaden your horizons, it will make you a happier person and it will make you much more enjoyable to be around. People who are fun to be around, tend to get laid a bunch.
There’s a great line in the movie, Revolutionary Road. “A man gets only a couple of chances in life. If he doesn’t seize them by the balls, he’ll spend the rest of his life wondering why he’s second-rate.” Sometimes the seizing doesn’t always lead to legendary exploits, sometimes they crash and burn in spectacular fashion, but goddamnit at least let the world know that you tried, that you were here, that you dared to be great, that you told the English that they could take your life, but they could never take your freeeeedommmmm. At a minimum, trying to broaden your intellectual horizons will allow your rogue wave of a personality make an impression on Lake Monotony.
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